I Still Believe

I still believe

Sometimes all you have is your belief. The trials of life can knock you down and all you see is a blurred world through tear stained eyes. This is the time when holding on is the last thing you want to do. Trying to take another breath or step is as hard as trying to climb the highest mountain on earth barefooted. You bow down on your knees in muck of human existence with pains of hurt, humiliation and loss sitting on your shoulders like vultures waiting to devour your soul. Nevertheless, you crawl out of the bowels of contention and fix your tear stained suffering eyes on that one cloud that looks like the eye of God is watching you or you see the innocent smile of a child and somehow you just know that something is waiting for you. You don’t know what it is or where it will come from you just know that it is there.

Not every day during this waiting period will be easy, not every day will be full of laughter and sometimes just the waiting alone will test your faith. You will stand before your belief and question its' intent, you will scream some days trying to understand why, your angel, hero, saint, warrior or deliverer does not just show up and remove all ills from your life. Then you realize that the waiting period was the time you needed to release, recall and reestablish the strength it takes to keep on walking towards your new destiny with no regrets from your past. You realize that if you do not start to live you are just a corpse going through the motion of life. You are in the valley of doubt, full of fear, weak but strong enough to hold on.

In the valley, you look up and reach for the hand of God, needing to feel his breath blow on you, needing to know that someone out there is watching over you and can see who you really are, because life is smothering you to death. Circumstances are drowning you and the powers that be have used every possible weapon they can to destroy you. In this valley experience it is hard to realize that God/Great Spirit has been holding your hand. The only option you have now is to keep looking up and reaching up with the anticipation that either chance or divine interception will pull you through. The valley is the place where you will either hold on or give up. As you are walking through the valley your feet start to hurt, your hands begin to swell with pain and your mind well it can no longer think on its' own. Once again you start to question God. You get a little weary because you cannot hear His voice but just as you start to stand on those blood stained feet that produce pain with every step you take, you look up and see an eagle diving into the mist of that valley and that is when you realize you are on the side of a mountain headed for the top.

Just as you start your journey on the mountainside, you look up and there is a river roaring that you have to cross it is dangerous and unyielding. Her name is heartache and she is there to keep you trapped in the misery of your past. She does not want you to understand that each level you come to you will present a challenge. Once again, you look up through those delusional tear stained eyes and hang your head to the earth, hoping an outstretched hand or angel will come to carry you over, but instead you see a little boat so small you can hardly fit in it. As you are deciding whether to take that boat and cross your decision is made for you because on the banks of life behind you, the lions are gathering and they are hungry for your blood. Therefore you cannot turn around, because if you do you are done. Nevertheless, you step into that boat hoping it will carry you safely to the other side. But instead the winds start to blow and water becomes unsettled and there you are on an angry river with one paddle and hope, realizing that if you do not fight the waves and currants will consume you and take your life. Just when you are about to give up and accept your death a wave strong and fierce slams your boat ashore. Sitting on the bank hungry and tired you look up and say, “ I don’t care what you do to me, all I have is my FAITH and I am keeping that, so if you take me you will take me still believing”. Then you notice not only were you safe on the shore but the fierce waves and winds had filled your boat full of fish so you can have a meal. Thankful but afraid you break down, because crying released your shame, screaming released your inner pain and questioning demanded an answer. Confessing your misery while holding on to hope, you swear that if nothing does not change you will quite and become what your enemies have described you as being, just like them. Realizing the tantrums and threats only mattered you, you try to plea bargain with God to no avail. Still no words, or voice or sign that you can see has shown up to help you. Now you realize that you are in the wilderness smelling like food and wild animals waiting to pounce upon you as soon as darkness comes. Again, you take time to wonder why you believe at all and what good has your faith done for you. All of a sudden you raise your head and there he stands a man you have no reason to trust, gruffy looking, fierce in his appearance and you know your life is over. However, he smiles and careful approaches you with kindness, he offers you a warm wrap and water. He leads you back down the mountain to little cabin and offer you shelter. He listens to your story and his silence only lets you know he is paying attention to you. Just as he leaves to go on his way, you ask what is your name kind sir and he responds “Belief”.

Chrystal Ellis

© Copyright 2012 Redeemer (UN: hussy500 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Redeemer has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.

This is not Normal but it is Practical

This is not Normal but it is Practical

If you ask me what is normal I will say, “I do not know”.  I do not have an answer for normal. Survival does not allow for one connected pattern of normality to exist. Each one of us tries to survive our situations and circumstances the best way we can. Some of us pray, meditate, exercise, scream, go within and some of us are waiting for someone to come along and give us that special word or method that will create a balance in our life that ties us into the normal way of living. The truth is we only have opinions, references and ideas from other people who were searching for the same thing. Is it normal to be in a relationship with one person for the rest of our lives? Is it? Are we setting ourselves up for failure, heartache and moral destruction by forcing something that is against our nature? Is it fair to force all people to live the life that some people feel is normal? How much of what you want and what you need is relevant to a normal life. If I describe my normal and you describe your normal, will they match?

What happens when you wake up in the morning and all you want to do is cry or scream or go out and curse the  world for being in existence. Is that normal? On the other hand, is it normal to wake up and feel that way but hold it in, put on a smile and pretend to each person you meet that life is beautiful and all is well. While you walk around like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode but knowing, you cannot.  Thereby making your heart rate faster, your blood pressure go up and you ability to concentrate blown to hell. Is it normal to wake up full of love and peace and joy delusional about the world around you. Ready to share your love with all you meet without charging them a fee?  Is that normal in system that requires profit and wealth as a mandate for success. Should you give such valuable prizes away? Alternatively, should you charge people for encouraging them and sharing good news?

Why do some people tell you constantly it is wrong to cry? If something hurts you, why should you hold back your tears?  When you look into the mirror and see the house your soul is embodied in keeping you earthbound, what is wrong with admitting you do not like what you see? What is wrong with saying that you hate how your life has turned out? What is wrong with admitting you are not a part of this so-called norm? What is wrong with admitting that in order to change your circumstance the will of an Unseen Creator will not help you but your will to live will?  Why can’t you admit that you are not like others and neither do you want to be?  What is wrong with saying you are pissed off at corrupt system that dictates your value? What is wrong with admitting that you would like this unseen God to show up every now and then and speak to you in a language you can understand? What is wrong with wanting this energy to show you that It is keeping its promise to you?  What is wrong with admitting you feel you believe in something that keeps you holding on for help, but shows ups when It wants to, or does not show up at all? Most of us do not have a clue as to what normal really is we follow others who because of their wealth, their self-appointed righteousness and social hierarchy have created rules to keep even our most intimate behaviors controlled by their need for power.

For every rule, commandment or law that is created for us to follow the creators of them have manipulated loops holes that give them the right not to adhere to any of them.  How many of us are really considered normal? What if you believe that marriage is just a contract between two parties to established ownership of human consciousness. Yes, consciousness, because once in this institute both parties are considered to be one.  This is not possible nor is it probable, unless both parties agree to allow one another to be exactly who they were from the moment they met. We all know that is not true, you must change and you will change or you will not in most cases stay married.
 
Why must human attraction be defined as normal as long as opposites are involved. Is it not true that those who are similar tend to cooperate better and stay together longer?  Why does a full  figured person feel they are not as in control as one who is full of muscles and toned?  Why can a person who feels like shit just say I feel like shit, without being looked upon as a killjoy?  What makes one race of people so empowered that they openly mistreat others, while still claiming to be God’s advocates for righteousness?  Is it normal to believe that because something more than a man saw something in you, your life was spared?  Is it normal to believe that one-day heaven will open up and all your worries will be gone? Is it normal to know that when you leave this experience another one is waiting for you? Is the belief in blessings and cursing normal?  Could it be possible that the trials of human existence are no more advanced than the trials of animals in the wild? If you look at the two, can you really find a difference?

Could this be one of those mornings when you wake up to, a reality you never would have created for yourself, but you must live it regardless. It is one of those mornings when writing through tear stained eyes is the only way you maintain your sanity. It is one of those days that if you did not have to face it you would not face it. It is one of those moments in the life of human searching for the reality of their existence in a place where illusion is all that matters.  It is one of those mornings that make you say if God or Great Spirit or the manifestation the Om is at work you need it to work now for you. Not at some later date, or time based on supernatural time warps in the cosmos of reality. You need help now and you want it now. You want that fairy tale to happen, the one that people have preached to you about.  The walk on the water miracle that you believe, the raise the dead miracle that you have been told about, the ever-present creation miracle of the Om.  However, is this normal to hope for? If it is not then what about anything in life is really normal?

If it is not normal to question these rules, how normal is it for us not to adhere to them.  It is possible that normality is as relative as life itself?  Can a person without degrees and accolades from the world of academia have anything relative to add to human consciousness?  If we watch the normal behavior of animals is human behavior truly normal? If you believe in a manifested intelligence that created us all, is that normal? If you believe the Universe just threw up one day, is that normal? If you do not believe in anything is that normal? Is it right to ponder on what is normal, l a normal thought pattern?
My truth is this; I do not believe there is a true definition for normal. Simply because I self reflect all the time.

© Copyright 2012 Redeemer (UN: hussy500 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Redeemer has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.