I Still Believe

I still believe

Sometimes all you have is your belief. The trials of life can knock you down and all you see is a blurred world through tear stained eyes. This is the time when holding on is the last thing you want to do. Trying to take another breath or step is as hard as trying to climb the highest mountain on earth barefooted. You bow down on your knees in muck of human existence with pains of hurt, humiliation and loss sitting on your shoulders like vultures waiting to devour your soul. Nevertheless, you crawl out of the bowels of contention and fix your tear stained suffering eyes on that one cloud that looks like the eye of God is watching you or you see the innocent smile of a child and somehow you just know that something is waiting for you. You don’t know what it is or where it will come from you just know that it is there.

Not every day during this waiting period will be easy, not every day will be full of laughter and sometimes just the waiting alone will test your faith. You will stand before your belief and question its' intent, you will scream some days trying to understand why, your angel, hero, saint, warrior or deliverer does not just show up and remove all ills from your life. Then you realize that the waiting period was the time you needed to release, recall and reestablish the strength it takes to keep on walking towards your new destiny with no regrets from your past. You realize that if you do not start to live you are just a corpse going through the motion of life. You are in the valley of doubt, full of fear, weak but strong enough to hold on.

In the valley, you look up and reach for the hand of God, needing to feel his breath blow on you, needing to know that someone out there is watching over you and can see who you really are, because life is smothering you to death. Circumstances are drowning you and the powers that be have used every possible weapon they can to destroy you. In this valley experience it is hard to realize that God/Great Spirit has been holding your hand. The only option you have now is to keep looking up and reaching up with the anticipation that either chance or divine interception will pull you through. The valley is the place where you will either hold on or give up. As you are walking through the valley your feet start to hurt, your hands begin to swell with pain and your mind well it can no longer think on its' own. Once again you start to question God. You get a little weary because you cannot hear His voice but just as you start to stand on those blood stained feet that produce pain with every step you take, you look up and see an eagle diving into the mist of that valley and that is when you realize you are on the side of a mountain headed for the top.

Just as you start your journey on the mountainside, you look up and there is a river roaring that you have to cross it is dangerous and unyielding. Her name is heartache and she is there to keep you trapped in the misery of your past. She does not want you to understand that each level you come to you will present a challenge. Once again, you look up through those delusional tear stained eyes and hang your head to the earth, hoping an outstretched hand or angel will come to carry you over, but instead you see a little boat so small you can hardly fit in it. As you are deciding whether to take that boat and cross your decision is made for you because on the banks of life behind you, the lions are gathering and they are hungry for your blood. Therefore you cannot turn around, because if you do you are done. Nevertheless, you step into that boat hoping it will carry you safely to the other side. But instead the winds start to blow and water becomes unsettled and there you are on an angry river with one paddle and hope, realizing that if you do not fight the waves and currants will consume you and take your life. Just when you are about to give up and accept your death a wave strong and fierce slams your boat ashore. Sitting on the bank hungry and tired you look up and say, “ I don’t care what you do to me, all I have is my FAITH and I am keeping that, so if you take me you will take me still believing”. Then you notice not only were you safe on the shore but the fierce waves and winds had filled your boat full of fish so you can have a meal. Thankful but afraid you break down, because crying released your shame, screaming released your inner pain and questioning demanded an answer. Confessing your misery while holding on to hope, you swear that if nothing does not change you will quite and become what your enemies have described you as being, just like them. Realizing the tantrums and threats only mattered you, you try to plea bargain with God to no avail. Still no words, or voice or sign that you can see has shown up to help you. Now you realize that you are in the wilderness smelling like food and wild animals waiting to pounce upon you as soon as darkness comes. Again, you take time to wonder why you believe at all and what good has your faith done for you. All of a sudden you raise your head and there he stands a man you have no reason to trust, gruffy looking, fierce in his appearance and you know your life is over. However, he smiles and careful approaches you with kindness, he offers you a warm wrap and water. He leads you back down the mountain to little cabin and offer you shelter. He listens to your story and his silence only lets you know he is paying attention to you. Just as he leaves to go on his way, you ask what is your name kind sir and he responds “Belief”.

Chrystal Ellis

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